bbq

Had a church network bbq yesterday evening. It was kinda awkward for me, especially at the beginning. My cell-leader's cell-leader gave me a lift there and we reached early- like really early. I wasn't in the mood to socialise and so I didn't. I kept to my myself and didn't attempt to talk. I can so 孤僻, which goes against social norm and etiquette. When I'm in a socialising mood, I'd socialise more freely and would actually TALK but when I'm not in the mood, I'd really rather look at the birds, swimming pool, trees, basically anything that is non-human. Ok I know it's bad 'cos I shouldn't allow the vibrancy of my social life to be dictated by my moods. I'm still adjusting, I guess. Such functions are great platforms to expand my social circle, to exchange information and build relationships. My mind understands all the benefits that I can potentially derive from being more pro-active but my heart remains reluctant. It's evil thinking solely along this line 'cos I realised that it is very self-centred. It is almost as if I am bothering to even spend time with other people because of the benefits they can provide me. Where is my sincerity? Thinking this way makes me VERY TIRED. It's like I am strategising my every step, calculating every move. Almost everything I do now has a motive behind it. In addition, there is also self-consciousness at work so having to meet new people is becoming really stressful for me.

Ugh.

In school, I can keep to my small group of friends...no problem; but at work, that is no longer a good option. I could still continue to do that but my world would probably remain small and I would still be ignorant as ever and we all know that ignorance doesn't bring people very far. I have to find another reason, a stronger reason, to know others- perhaps a genuine love and concern for them. So much so that I am able to put aside my self-consciousness and not be constantly thinking through in my head whether I am speaking well, using correct grammar, pronouncing words as they should be, or saying something that is "pushing the right buttons". There are people who can be at ease even tho' they speak in bad spoken English. I actually admire such people. They can talk on and on without showing any hint of awkwardness or shyness. Is it a confidence issue? Could be. I don't know.

I have to continue this entry later 'cos I've to get ready to go out of home.

じゃまたね！

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Added @ 4:35PM

I'm back! Bought a few Christian CDs and a book from the Integrity Warehouse sale. 2 Don Moen and 1 Bob Fitts CDs! :) All 3 are at full price -30% + 7% GST. Still saved some money after adding GST. Quite worth. I decided not to get the ipod touch. Not now, at least. My money should be put to better use like buying clothes and bags. Yeah.

I'm thinking how I should continue my post earlier...but my brain's kinda tired. Reasoning is getting very tiring. I shall take a nap.

Good night! :)