to count

how does it feel to have your entire life flash before your eyes. what would you say at the end of your life. has it count, did you do anything that is of meaning purpose?

I was jolted back to thinking the importance of this question after I committed a mistake at work today. it's a silly and could be quite a serious mistake if the person involved wants to blow it big by escalating the issue to my boss or big boss. it's a mistake that could potentially blow up in my face. anyway, I was quite scared when I realised the error I made. I did all the damage control I could and prayed that nothing will happen. the involved party actually called and screamed at my colleague who unfortunately had to bear the brunt of anger. all in all, it has been an experience. I sent an apology email and honestly, even if I get shit for this, I'll fully accept cos it was my fault.

thing is I called out to God for help, despite having drifted from Him. I haven't been doing my quiet time, meaning I have been essentially spending my life without God. He is around, I'm sure. it's just that I choose not to spend time with Him. the only time I spend time with Him is when I go to church.

yet, when a crisis happens, I call on His name. how hypocritical can I be. only seeking Him when I need assistance. so in a way, this incident really shocked me back to reality. I hate the way I'm escaping. from life, from people, from my past. not that I have many skeletons in my closet, just many regrets and failures. I feel like I've messed up my life. can my life still count?

I know all the positive, psyche yourself thoughts but I'm not gonna go into that now. I want my life to mean something. I was discussing some life issues with my colleagues earlier. about how everyone wants to earn their first million by a certain age and how after accumulating that wealth, you can invest and subsequently earn your 2nd and 3rd million. sure, who doesn't want to be a millionaire? I would but then is that all that is to life? what comes after that? just more money, more luxury,more enjoyment then...what? it's all so empty, if you really think abt it. or success. even if you are the most successful person on earth, so what? I mean, if life is all about achieving and attaining goals and more goals then I'm disappointed. that's a damn sad life.

having said that, I also realise the importance of vision. your future depends on how big you think. there is a lot of possibilities in life and I like that. the underdog winning kinda story. awesome.

I'll be spending the next 3 days seeking a new vision for my future. yeah. this bleak outlook is unacceptable. this cannot be it. my life. and I'm thankful for this wake up call. this feels like a much needed turning point in my life. I can't explain it...

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